I got the pleasure of traveling home for the Easter holiday this weekend, and since I've been flying a lot in the last year, I decided to compile an exclusive and complete guide to Airline Etiquette, with your host, AmyLynne Hicks! Do sit and enjoy a cup of tea while we go over these do's and don'ts of traveling the big blue skies.
And pay special attention to the comments after each guideline!
37. I hate people who don't follow Airline Etiquette!
ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'
Please listen to all airport personnel, pilots, flight attendants, TSA agents, skycaps, bus drivers, voices on the intercom, President Obama, and when Keith Urban's voice comes on the announcements at Nashville International Airport. These people are trying to help you and guide you, so that you can properly store the 8,000 pound carryon you brought, disarm the bomb you thought you might need, or simply get you another cup of coffee that tastes like strained ferrets. Please listen to these people of authority.
TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'
Please refrain from worshipping idols next to me or I will slap you. You have been warned.
THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.'
This is a big one. I would advise you to please not shout, I HAVE A BOMB!!!! in the middle of the airport, if you value your life. I really hate people who do this.
FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.'
If you have to travel on or around a holiday, DO NOT BE A SCROOGE. Every single other person in this airport is in the exact same boat as you. (no pun intended) When you yell at me to get off the bus that took us from the Economy parking lot to the terminal, do not expect me to happily move aside when I have no room to. If you are running late to your flight then you should have left earlier. You didn't have time to leave earlier, you say? THEN TAKE A LATER FLIGHT. OR FLY TOMORROW. I should not have to be run over by stampedes of angry businessmen and prima donna 50 year old women (you know the ones in Juicy sweatsuits who carry dogs in their purses and fake nails and so much plastic surgery you dont know what part of them is real or not). I am a college student and I arrived to the airport ON TIME.
FIVE: 'Honor your father and your mother.'
This also applies to rule #1. Please honor and listen to all authority figures, or you will get tackled by Larry the TSA Agent.
SIX: 'You shall not murder.'
Please don't kill people in the airport. Its just not a smart idea. There are so many better, wooded, not-on-camera places to kill people. I know you want to murder that annoying child 2 rows behind you who won't stop screaming, or the man across the aisle who keeps staring at you, but please refrain until you have reached a safely wooded area where no one will find the body.
SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.'
If you watch porn or even look at "tastefully nude people in artwork" on an airplane you deserve to die. This is the exception to rule #6. Feel free to murder these people.
EIGHT: 'You shall not steal.'
This is a little figurative. PLEASE DON'T STEAL:
-my arm rest
-my personal space
-my Bud Light
NINE: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.'
This is a criminal offense. This is reason to be banished from airline flight forever. On my flight to California on Thursday, the 3 people in the row in front of me were the loudest people I've ever sat near on an airplane. It was a couple, and a single woman. The man sat in the window (in front of me) and the two women were in the middle and aisle. They made fast friends at the beginning of the flight as I began to drift into sleep bliss. All of a sudden, BVFHJDKWSMDNFBGHEIJWSLMDNFBHEJKWSMDNBFDHREUW BAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. I am like, WHAT THE EFF IS GOING ON!??!?!?!?!?!!? and as it turns out these people are now best friends and are having the time of their lives. NOT OKAY!!!! NOT ON MY WATCH!!! I'M TRYING TO FREAKING SLEEP HERE AND ALL YOU'RE DOING IS BEING LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS AND ANNOYING AND GROSS!!!!!!
So please refrain from being loud and let your neighbor sleep.
TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.'
Please do not sit next to me and brag about the 10 donkeys you have on your farm. Really, I have 12 donkeys, so that's not impressive.
And here are a few assorted rules in addition to these wonderful ten:
Please refrain from reclining your chair.
I have talked about this before and I mean it. My legs don't like being squashed.
Do not line up before you have been requested to.
We are all going the same place at the same time. Lining up to board the plane before they call for you to line up is an absolute waste of time and makes you look like an idiot or Tarzan. You have been warned.
When flying standby, do not cry when you don't get on your flight.
You flew standby for a reason. Grow a pair and wait for the next flight.
When exiting the aircraft, exit at the appropriate time.
If you're on the window seat, you can't stand up as soon as they open the door. You have to wait until the rest of the people have filtered out. That is all i am saying. WAIT YOUR EFFING TURN.
If you eat possum sandwiches, please use a napkin.
I sat next to a redneck family once who ate possum sandwiches. I dont want to know that. Keep your possum to yourself.
At all costs, avoid using the restroom.
I mean, if you are going to pee yourself, by all means visit the restroom. But otherwise, that tiny little thing is hell.
DO NOT STAND UP WHILE THE SEATBELT SIGN IS STILL ON.
This one kills me! DO YOU PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THE SEATBELT SIGN MEANS??!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! IT MEANS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP YOUR SEATBELT ON!!!! If you can go to the bathroom and keep your seatbelt securely fastened, then more power to you. But for the 100% of people who can't, please wait until the captain turns off the fasten seatbelt sign.
Well, thank you for reading my guide to Airplane Etiquette! Print it out and bring it with you to your next flying adventure, and I promise you, you'll be the best behaved passenger on board.