I have been blursed (blessed and cursed) with being extremely accident prone. I can't actually think of any ways in which this is a blessing, other than having some great stories to tell (breaking my thumb putting my pants on? ohhhhhh yeah), but my life has always been full of accidents and sad tales of woe and misery and Winter Break 2011-2012 has been no different.
I write to you now with a chip fracture in my left wrist. I broke it about a week ago by tripping over a box in my garage (a keyboard box that housed my sister's Christmas present...a keyboard. duh) and falling on my wrist. I am sooooooooo talented. I TRIPPED ON A BOX AND BROKE MY WRIST. WHO DOES THAT??????? I'm 19 years old and I cant even walk through my own garage without tripping on a box and breaking my wrist! Its a good thing I wasnt carrying scissors or I would have impaled myself! And then I would be dead! And dead is not good! So be thankful I wasnt carrying scissors, or else NO MORE HATE BLOG FOR YOU................
Anyway. So I fell in my garage, ouch pain this really hurts let me try to get up oh okay no i cant put weight on that arm oh okay OKAY OKAY THAT REALLY HURTS HOLY CRAP OH MY GOODNESS OKAY OKAY OUCH PAIN FIRE OUCH DEATH DYING DEAD PAIN SO MUCH PAIN IN MY WRIST OH GOD HELP HELP ME NO KILL ME NOW AND TAKE THE PAIN AWAY OH GOD NO I NEED TO STAND UP OKAY ONE TWO THREE GO GO GO OH GOSH I CANT GET UP (I have fallen, and I cant get up! lifealert commercial reference over) WHAT AM I GOING TO DO I'M GOING TO DIE HERE N THE GARAGE MY DAD WILL RUN ME OVER IN HIS CAR AND THEN I WILL BE A DEAD AMYLYNNE WITH A BROKEN WRIST AND REALLY WHO WANTS THAT????????????
so finally I got up and I was overjoyed and i went upstairs and mom said, "What was that loud noise down there?" upon which I scream-cried: "IT WAS ME FALLING OH MY GOSH IT HURTS IT BURNS BAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
So Dad takes one look at my wrist and is like, URGENT CARE NOW. Its 5pm on a Saturday night. Urgent care is open until 7... so mom, dad and I (emily was off doing something wrong and getting in trouble, story of her life) pile in the car and descend upon The Evil Place (aka urgent care). I sign in and theyre like, whats wrong.
The Evil Place (TEP): whats wrong
Me: MY ARM IS VERY HURTING BADLY PLEASE NOW FIX
TEP: please to fill out paperwork
*hands me nineteen pages to fill out*
Me: MY ARM HURTS BAD PLEASE FIX PLEASE PAIN FIRE BURN PAIN IN ARM OUCH
TEP: fill out papers nao
so I sit down and fill out the mountains of papers. the herd of papers. The Evil Place is a paperwork glutton. They make you fill out paperwork JUST SO THEY CAN PUT IT IN A FILE...... NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN....... They also shot a man in Reno just to see him die! But thats a different story. Ask Johnny Cash about it. Anyway, so I fill the papers out and I'm in severe pain at this point and I feel like it would be prefectly acceptable right now to go all Native American on them and shoot them with poison-tipped arrows. But lacking a bow and arrow, I decided against murder, and I sat patiently and waited my turn.
So here I am waiting waiting waiting waiting. Forever. For TWO HOURS. In this time here is a detailed list of my fellow waiting room occupiers, grouped by family unit:
1. mother #1
2. dad #1
4. mother #2
5. child #1
6. child #2
7. child #3 (sick)
8. mother #3 (sick)
9. child #4 (teenager)
10. mother #4
11. father #2
12. child #5 (VERY sick)
13. grandpa #1
14. single #1
15. single #2
16. single #3
17. single #4
and so on. all of the kids outside of the silent teenager and the very sick one were LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS. so here is a rant about children:
I LOVE KIDS. I hope to have some of my own someday but I am scared of being exactly like my mother but thats another rant altogether. I love babysitting, I love love love kids. but there is nothing worse than LOUD, RUDE, OBNOXIOUS KIDS who never learned common courtesy! If your child is rude to me I automatically hate you. What is wrong with teaching your kid manners? or teaching your kid the world doesnt revolve around them? WHY DON'T YOU DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILDREN???????
Anyway. after TWO HOURS in the waiting room they finally called me back to the doctor. I about ran back there when they called my name. my arm hurt SO BAD and I was tired and I JUST WANT TO GET IT FIXED!!!!!! So they take my weight and blood pressure and all sorts of crap. EXCUSE ME! I AM JUST HERE FOR YOU TO GIVE MY POOR WRIST AN XRAY AND TELL ME IF THE DANG THING IS BROKEN OR NOT. I DO NOT NEED YOU TO WEIGH ME AND THEN TAKE MY BLOOD PRESSURE AND THEN GO OFF ON A LONGWINDED TANGENT ABOUT MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. I AM WELL FREAKING AWARE OF MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND AS A MATTER OF FACT I GO TO THE DOCTOR FOR MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE! SO I SUGGEST YOU AND YOUR URGENT CARE SELF SHOULD LEAVE ME AND MY BLOOD PRESSURE ALONE AND JUST GIVE ME XRAYS!
The irony of an all-caps paragraph about high blood pressure is so good right now.
So finally they take my Xrays and about kill me moving my wrist for the xrays and then finally, FINALLY AY 8PM (3 hours after I got there) the doctor tells me she THINKS its broken but shes not 100% sure.
excuse me? EXCUSE ME???? I JUST SAT IN THIS OFFICE FOR THREE FREAKING HOURS JUST TO HAVE YOU TELL ME YOU CANT TELL FOR SURE IF ITS BROKEN OR NOT? WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU? WHAT KIND OF CRACKPOT PLACE IS THIS? I DID NOT COME HERE TO SIT FOR 3 HOURS AND THEN GET AN INDEFINITE ANSWER! IF I WANTED AN ANSWER LIKE THAT I WOULD HAVE ASKED THE NICE INDIAN PEOPLE WHO LIVE TWO DOORS DOWN FROM ME! I AM SURE THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO TELL ME THAT THEY ARE NOT SURE IF ITS BROKEN OR NOT. WHY AM I HERE PAYING YOU MONEY TO TELL ME YOU ARENT SURE????????
Needless to say I was upset! She gave me Tylenol with codeine and told me to make an appointment with an orthopaedic doctor, who confirmed it was a chip fracture and I needed a brace, not a hard cast. BUT REALLY. I could have gotten a brace at urgent care and then been done with it. BUT NO, STUPID DOCTOR. YOU LOSE, BUCKWHEAT. YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DOCTOR.
And that is why I hate The Evil Place.